Waiting a Heavy Rain. I Need a Rainbow in My World.

I do know what's my problems: Lack of confident and mind is full of negative thoughts.

I tried to change when I was form 5 and also after I graduated from my high school. Although I don't have confident at that time, but at least I still have optimistic thoughts. I will tried control myself not to think about bad things, and I did it. That moment, I thought I could continue like that...... But, no.

This few days, I keep on recalling.. I don't know how the old me maintained a optimistic attitude and thoughts. I remember I like to and always free to watch movie on that time because I haven't start my college yet. That time I believed that movies can let me learn a lot of things. I don't care about the movie's rating or reviews, I just watch every movies that show on TV. 

Yup. I learned things. Even is a horror movie, or a movie that have full of bad reviews, I still can find the values of the movie. And all the things I learned from movies is good, is positive. Therefore, I began to love to watching movie and sometime I will put in myself into the movie character, imagining I'm living in the movie world. After that I will tried to think and feel, not as I, but as a movie role. So if I watching a very touching movie, I definitely will cry like hell.

But now, no matter what movie I watch, the things I learned is all negative...... Well, I'm not saying that I learned something illegal from the movies. What I was trying to say is, now I only see the bad sides in every single movie. Especially the movies like Divergent, the Giver and others.

I hate myself. Especially this ME.

I know it doesn't fix the problem even if I continue hating myself. I always say to myself: As an Interior Designer, we solve problems. But if I can't even solve my own problem, how could I solve the other peoples' problem?

I started to doubt about my ability......

I went to Tioman Island during my semester break. I sat on the beach, looked at the sea, listened to the wind, and started to think about my future, and also who I really am. I can't get any answer. -BLANK- Just like the sky full of haze, we can't see clearly and feel lost.

I'm waiting, waiting for a heavy rain. Because I know, without the rain there would be no rainbow.

Recent Me. September 2015

Finally I'm back! Perhaps I should say I am still alive LOL _(:з」∠)_

Yeap, I finished my semester 7, and now I was "enjoying" my semester break. When I was rushing my final project, I thought I will be very exciting during my semester break, but obviously NOPE. I have no idea why, but I feel empty. 

I guess maybe is because my diploma life is going to end, so I felt afraid. Yea, afraid, scare, fear,...lost. Before semester break, I'm sure I will continue my studies, but uncertainty is in Malaysia or Taiwan. Because I told my parents before, I have considered to go to Taiwan to continue my studies, but now...... Hrmmm.. 

I like Taiwan. Even though I never been there before, but I just don't know why I like there. But I afraid I will make the wrong decision...... As a dialogue in the movie "The Giver": "When people have the freedom to choose, they choose wrong.  Every. Single. Time." After I watched this movie, I really hope the Chief Elder will help me to make a choice. (If you have watch this movie, then you will know what I'm trying to say. *Sigh*).

I feel depressed in last whole week. Actually I had a plan for my semester break. First, exercise everyday. Second, clean my room. Third, hang out and buy some new clothes. Fourth, travel with friends to one of the island in Malaysia! Fifth, read the novels that I bought. Last, start to think about my future. 

Okay...... My DEPRESSION is ruining my plan...... (Well, at least I have done the third. The first and fifth still in progress. hahahaha) (づ￣▽￣)づ

Sometimes we could not cheat on ourselves, that's true. I keep on thinking the same thing, but I still can't get an answer that make me feel satisfy. 

"Who am I?" "My name is Lim Mei Vyei, I'm 20 years old, I live in Kuala Lumpur...... "

Well, that's an identity, that's not the answer I want.

This is the another reason why I feel lost and empty this few days.

I am very happy, but why I do not smile?

I do have friends, but why do I feel bored?

I have planned everything, but why do I feel so helpless?

I feel I have lost the connection with this world. ( But I declare, I'm not going to kill myself okay ¬_¬ lol )

Last week I went out alone. Every time I want to go shopping, I will choose to go alone. This habit makes me feel happy, freedom and comfortable. On that day, I sat on the bench, and looking at the crowd...... I don't know any one of them, and no one knows me. The gang of friends, Couples, Families,...... They just passed in front of me, I feel like I was transparent.  

Last time I don't understand why some people don't like to be alone... and now I got it. It makes peoples feel lonely.

Hrmmm.... Even so, sometime I still prefer to being alone, but not always. ヾ(･ω･*)ﾉ

Do not rely completely on any other human being, however dear. We meet all life’s greatest tests alone.” -Agnes Macphail.

Latest Status: WHAT SHOULD I DO

终于回来了！

真的很怀念以前一天到晚都在部落格，什么都不用烦恼，把自己的心情和生活点滴都写出来。_(:з」∠)_ 

嗯，最近过得还不错。总是到处去走走似乎已经变成了我的习惯，有时候在家里呆着太久都会觉得怪怪的。不过这就是设计系学生的生活，Work Hard Play Hard！玩耍过后，要面对的就是一大堆的压力。

现在已经7月份了！是因为已经中学毕业了吗，所以才会觉得时间过得很快很快？甚至有时候会觉得下午到晚上的时间过得特别特别的快。还是因为已经是设计系学生的关系，所以忙碌到连一天24小时都觉得不够呢？

嘛，虽然说过得没有很忙碌，而且还很懒散，可是压力指数并没有降低，还不停地上升。毕竟现在已经是Semester7了，是我们diploma生涯里第一份Hospitality Project，同时也是最后一份project了。我们大家都希望在这个project里，我们都能做得很好，慢慢地给自己的要求也变多了，压力自然而然也变多了。

这次的项目我选择了本地的一间理发院，也希望能挑战自己从来没尝试过的东西。第一份项目，我选择了我向往的风格去设计一间住宅。第二份项目，我选择了当时蛮流行的风格去设计一间办公室。第三个项目，是Retail Project，我想自己选择和别人不一样的，同时也是自己喜欢的东西，也就是玩具店。前三个的项目算是我在做自己喜欢的事，但是到了最后一个项目，我希望自己能做些自己没什么喜欢，有点不同的东西。

毕竟人生里不是什么东西都能顺我们的意，所以我想象着自己已经是一位室内设计师，然后接了一个自己不喜欢的项目。一开始嘛，觉得还OK，只要跟着常理和逻辑，再融入概念和设计进去，就应该可以了。但是嘛......刚刚都说了，人生并不会那么顺利的。

这个学期嘛，整个人变得很沮丧。

总觉得自己烂透了。

或许新来的老师和之前的不一样，要求也不低，所以整个自卑感都出来了。每次功课被他检查完毕后，都有种很想把自己挖个洞藏进去的感觉。明明是很简单的事情，只要用逻辑去思考下就能解决了的问题，为什么自己却办不到呢？虽然说老师经验丰富，但同样是头脑，为什么我就总是想不到一些很特别的东西呢？

总是在烦着这些事啊。

前阵子，发现自己花了几天几夜去烦恼，再花一整个晚上做出来的一个模型和网络上别人分享出来的一个模型很相似。虽然说概念并不一样，可是做出来的东西一样，让我有种我在Copy着别人的感觉，我整个人都快要崩溃了。一直不停地问自己，花了那么多天去做一样东西，到头来自己得到的是什么？

现在看到自己做的模型，真的很想一把火烧了。(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

沮丧了几天，几天里一直和自己说就算失落也要继续前进。妈呀，我已经沮丧了整个学期了，什么时候才能停止呢...... 再多不到1个月的期限，我真的不知道自己到底能不能把整个项目做好。

加油吧 林美薇。

BElieve in YOUrself

我是家中最小，家里有爸妈、两个姐姐和一个哥哥。

可能是家里最小的缘故吧，依赖性也特别的强，到了中学连一些基本的资料文件都不会自己填入，总是要爸爸或者姐姐帮忙。也因为自己意识到了，所以中学毕业后，选择和姐姐不同的学院、选择和朋友们不同的学院。原因之一就是希望自己能独立。

不过除此之外，另一个原因不想和姐姐同一间学院或大学：不希望被长辈们拿我来和她们比较。不过我应该觉得庆幸的是，拿我来和她们比较的并不是我的父母，而是学校里的老师。从小学开始，老师对我的第一个印象永远都是 “你不是谁谁谁的妹妹吗？”。那时候我的心里总是在想，真正知道我名字、真正认识我的人到底在哪？

到了小六，哥哥姐姐都已经小学毕业了，瞬间有种自由的感觉。因为老师们不再用‘谁的妹妹’来叫我，而是用我的名字。

或许在别人眼中，我这种算是嫉妒姐姐的妹妹，就是那种心理不平衡的小孩。

不过当你一直在 [ “为什么你姐成绩那么好，你的就......”、“你姐姐很厉害啊......”、“你应该让她去补习，成绩就会像她姐姐那样......” ] 这种环境下成长，我相信无论是谁也无法度过快乐的日子。

我并没有埋怨其他人，我恨的是我自己。为什么总是学不好、为什么总是记不到......

不过这些都无所谓。

最让人痛心的，就是在小一到小五领取成绩单的时候，家长们都必须到学校来见老师。虽然老师在我父母面前说话很‘客气’，并没有单刀直入，不过父母在老师面前露出的那些表情，我至今还能记得。即使回到家后并没有责怪我，也没有强迫我去补习，可是那种不责怪我的行为，让我更加地自责。

直到UPSR，我获得两颗A。和两个获得全A的姐姐相比，我的这种成绩我根本不想要把它拿出来给人看。每当亲戚问起我考得如何，我根本没有资格很大声地说我考得不错。不过爸爸就总是说一句话：尽力就好 有努力过 可是考得不好没关系 至少你努力过。

可是那时候的我觉得很羞耻，我相信当年的我根本没有用尽全力。

到了中学，不知为什么的渐渐地认真面对考试了。以前讨厌的数学，慢慢喜欢上，虽然还是应付不来我最弱的马来文科目。当时的我还是带着“谁谁谁的妹妹”的身份度过我的中一至中三，接着的中四中五虽然哥哥还在学校，不过那两个姐姐终于离开国中学校了，那种解脱的感觉无人知晓。

可是即便她们不在学校，那些看不见的压力依然困扰着我。只有那位知心朋友知道我中三过得多么地辛苦。对于当年的我来说，到一个陌生的地方学习，是我这辈子最讨厌的事。而那时候我总觉得自己总是让家人丢脸。

不过直到有一次的drama class 的演讲，我们都被安排各自要到台上演讲自己的稿。虽然是个小小的舞台，但我印象很深刻。因为那是我人生中第一次到台上演讲，而且还是必须说英文。前面坐着的有很多没见过的大人（印象最深刻的 就是所有人力有几位是光头的 哈哈），最熟悉的就是我爸，他也是观众之一。或许应该这么说吧，这是我人生中第一次在我爸面前说英文，而且还是一整个稿。压力、紧张的感觉，还在寄存在我的心里。演讲完后，观众们鼓掌，爸也鼓掌......虽然忘了后面的句子，表现得也没有很好，可最后还是跑到后台默默地开心得哭出来了。

开心得哭出来的原因嘛，是因为我爸在微笑着。

几天后，无意间偷听到爸和妈说起我当时的演讲。他说没想到我能说出准确的英文等等，就连妈也觉得难以置信。我相信从我小学开始，这番话应该是我第一次从父母亲口中听到的称赞。

到了中五，是决定自己的前途方向的时候。我决定了以后，并没有立即告诉他们。当时的我非常期待毕业后的生活，非常期待学院/大学的生活。可能这么说很冷血，可是当年我真的没有一点不舍或伤心。直到现在，我也很庆幸自己并没有因为害怕而选择到姐姐的大学或者朋友的学院。虽然不肯定这决定是否正确，但至少我过得很充实。

开始了我的Diploma生活，面对很多事情，真的觉得很不习惯。学费、个人资料、和学院员工和老师说话等等，我从来没自己应付过。以前小学如果被老师责备，还会傻傻地用学校里的公共电话打给家人哭诉。现在被老师责备的，就将老师说过的话一辈子记在心里，死也不让眼泪流出来。以前从未自己写过的资料表格，因为第一次自己填写而感到紧张和兴奋，可是又害怕自己会写错等等。以前虽然曾经当过promoter，可是却很失败，自己也从没想过会有接到freelance工作的机会。

    

有很多很多的第一次，像是替学院当helper、参加比赛、和朋友去旅行、参加学校的活动等等，这些都让我觉得很不可思议。以前的我，根本不会浪费时间在学校里，或者害怕和家人沟通（虽然现在也一样 哈哈），不过现在的我，虽然还有点胆怯，但因为那一点点的改变，让我已经觉得很满足了。

你说我变了？

我会把这句话当成是一种称赞，因为我就是要改变。

I hate myself.

讨厌这样的自己。犯贱。

当自己发现之前的计划不一样了，我该要怎么样继续往前走？

往后退

原地不动

先前走

往后退的话，我会一辈子活在过去......

原地不动的话，我便永远无法继续走向未来......

先前走的话，我应该朝哪个方向走呢.......

上天是非要让我一次又一次地面对这样的'时机抉择'吗？

Semester 5 Commercial Office Project

Today's post is about my semester 5 assignment.

Office type: Graphic Design Firm

Concept: Recycle

Style: Modern Rustic Style

Before I start this assignment, I hope that I can try something different with my previous residential project. For example like try to use another materials instead of using wood. Building construction, detailing and materials always is my weakness, and now I'm trying to improve myself. But, although how many times I remind myself not to use so many wood materials, but at last I still used it. LOL Yay, maybe just like what my lecturer said, everyone have their own style.

Ok, so now I'm going to show my office project with 3D Perspectives.

This area is the reception lobby. The concept for this assignment is Recycle, so I decide to use many reclaimed wood to design the wall and the reception counter. And also decide to use some recycle materials like spoon to design a unique chandelier for the reception lobby.

Next, this is the CEO room. Actually in this area, I didn't focus so much about the concept, except of the reclaimed wood flooring and the office table design. This area I focus more on the style, Modern Rustic Style.

Okay, next is the Meeting Room. Honestly, I really feel unsatisfied on this interior design. The partition, the furniture and the carpet are totally not match at all. Before my presentation, I really quite worried of my lecturer will ask me about the reason why I chosen these materials.

On the first picture, beside of the meeting room is a waiting area. For the second view, the another side of the meeting room is the pantry.

Last but not the least, this perspective is Working Area. 5 seats for senior and junior graphic designer. According to the concept, all of the wood material is reclaimed wood, and the middle of the area will place a round table which using 2 recycled wood barrel as the table legs. Beside that, right hand side have a C shape plastic bottle partition.

Well, this commercial office project finally DONE. We have spent a lot of money on this project, although I still feel very heartache right now.... BUT! LMV! No matter how much you spent right now, you have to earn back the money in the future! No, not the same amount! Should earn double, triple or even more!

My first dream is become an interior designer
Next dream is TRAVEL AROUND THE WORLD!

So, Semester 6 JIA YOU! Fighting!

It's time to move on. Byebye

Recently I made a weird dream. 

It's really unexpected.

I have no idea why, but I had dream of you. 

In my dream, both of us stood on the both side of the door without saying any words. I'm trying to go inside the room, and you trying the close the door. You standing behind the door, I only can see your eyes very clearly. I tried to push the door, but you stopped me. I don't know what's the emotional on my face at that moment, but I know I'm felt so sad. And then I turned to leave with a very bad mood.

People said: "If you dream of someone which means that person was missing you." But at this moment, I feel this sentence is like a fairy tale. Age growing up, I no longer believe in fairy tale. Now I only know the feeling of being ignored and avoided by the others. Although the feeling is from that dream, but that feels was real. It's really hurt, but I don't have any right to complain or blame anyone.

This may be a hint. Perhaps this hint is from the god, from you or from my own subconscious. Let me know there are someone feel very tired and disgusted about me, and it's time to let me move on. Thanks for the gift, thanks for the wishes, thanks for the memories. I appreciate all of the things you gave me.

With the departure of 2014, please take away everything about you. Although you are one of my motivation for 2011 to 2015. But the rest of days, my motivation is no longer you and I hope is someone else.

I'm afraid of.....

好吧，目前步入了Semester 6 了，我也只能说真的很不可思议。(-___-) 

从Semester 1 开始嘛，我就没想过这条路会很轻易地走下去，而且也看到很多人说读设计是多么困难，也随时要面对留级的可能性。这也是我一直以来很害怕的事，所以直到现在都一直拼了命学习，深怕自己会因为一时的大意，换来的是父母亲的失望。

不过自己的努力能撑到Semester 6，除了很开心以外，同时也觉得很幸运。毕竟这一年多不是我自己一个人孤身作战，身边也有朋友的帮忙。所以说世界上少了朋友，世界的颜色也只剩下黑与白。

现在已经步入 2015 年了，林美薇还有不到10月就20岁了，这是我最害怕的一件事。或许对很多人来说，20岁才是年轻人自由的时期，但对于我来说这不是自由。年纪一年一年增加，就会开始慢慢意识到时间是过得那么快，10年、20年这些似乎一眨眼就很快过去了。时间那么快流逝，就越让我担心自己现在所做的一切会否让自己后悔等等的事。

最近看了一漫画，Orange。讲诉着有一个女学生收到了一封信，是未来的自己寄给她的。信里的内容，就是未来的她希望过去的她能改变自己觉得后悔的事，例如拯救她最心爱的他。简单来说，这就是一本让人觉得虐心又感动的漫画。目前还没更新完，自己就已经哭得要生要死。T^T （虽然现在是大力推荐这漫画，可这不是重点啦 LOL

重点在于漫画里的一句话，如果有时光隧道这回事，你最想去过去还是未来？

我是个对过去怀着遗憾的心面对着我一无所知的未来的人

而这样的我，应该要怎么选择呢？

是要回到过去改变一切，还是去到未来看看未来的自己？

到了20岁，虽然有很多年轻人都还在念书，可是也是到了接近社会的年纪。我们开始明白这社会的一些些潜规则，也开始看见了这现实世界。说实在，我真的很害怕，单单听老师、长辈、同学朋友讲诉着以后步入社会的时候会面对什么样的情景，我都已经很害怕了。以前每次看到网上写，这世界上很多人都是戴着面具等等的话语，自己也觉得那不过是别人的事，绝不会发生在自己的生活里等等。

不过到了最近，只要你能更加地细心一点，你就能看见那隐藏在笑容背后的那双讽刺的眼神。以前觉得要受别人的气是一件很愚蠢的人，自己以后也绝对不会受别人的气或者看别人的脸色。但是现在，‘如果连这一点点的牺牲也做不了，你就无法得到你想要的。’，这就是我最近学到的。

我希望可以回到以前，回到小学或者中学的时候，而不是去到未来看见那虚伪的自己。我想当回那个我行我素的自己，当一个不必看人脸色的人。我也想当回那个不小心眼的自己。

2015年，19年又3个月，20岁的自己，虽然很不情愿，可是我还是要面对你。

只希望那时候的自己，是用着最单纯的心情来看待这世界。

Happy Birthday My Best Friend. #Missyouall99

有一个地方，在我中学的时候去过几次。虽然在别人眼中那只不过是普通的一条路，但对于我来说，这是个很珍贵的回忆。

但是毕业以后，自己也没有任何理由可以去到那里，所以我想我应该有接近几年都没去过了。直到星期五晚上，回到同个地方，可是变得真的很多很多。我以为只要脑袋一直想着，自己就永远不会忘记掉那些场景、那些地方。可是，现实告诉我们并不是你以为你一直惦记着，所有事情都会如你所想的一样一直不变。

在去那里的路上，我一直想很多很多的事，但这些事我都不能告诉任何人。

我变了，你变了，那里也变了。

星期五晚上，一个很要好的朋友的生日。在场的我们，只有我和另一位中学好友是来自别的学院。其他的也是中学的朋友还有一些是寿星女的学院朋友。在吃晚餐的时候，我静静地吃，静静地观察所有人，观察我中学的朋友们

好感触啊。

才短短的两年，就能很清楚看见我们的改变。

我们都长大了。

在两年前的我们，从来没有想过现在的我们要相聚是件多么困难的事。现在只要一见到很久不见的朋友们，我就忍不住想要去拥抱她们了。我不是个很浪漫的人，我也不喜欢肉麻，什么情感、情绪我都会收在心里面。所以我也不晓得为什么一见到很久不见的朋友就会跑上去拥抱她们。或许，我想要确认那不是梦；或许我想确认她们是我中学生涯里不能缺少的人物之一。

我不停地在回想，中学时期的我们是怎么样的。可是对于中学的回忆，说真的我记得的真的不多。我后悔了，后悔为什么当年自己不是个爱拍摄的人；为什么当年自己没有属于自己的相机；为什么我们没有很多可以让未来的我们能够回忆的照片。

    

朋友啊，生日快乐。

原谅我太累了，所以在昨晚都没什么精神说话；也原谅我没有买礼物。

希望我们几个的友情不变

希望即使我们长大了，但内心还存有着很单纯的心

希望我们长大了以后，更加珍惜我们这段友情

Trying my best....

林美薇 加油！

只要辛苦多两个星期，一切就会回去轨道！让自己先试试一心几用的机会，如果失败了就当作吸取经验就好，然后再每天回想自己的失败来折磨自己吧。( ==)

总之就藉由这次的机会看看自己是否有能力处理好自己应该要负责的事。管他结果怎样，不要去想不要去烦，只要顺着走就好了。只要两个星期，熬过了吃顿好的就OK了！吃顿好的以后，再为自己的学业梦想努力前进！

#designerclubevent

#miidcompetition

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以上的时我在十月尾的时候写的一篇帖子，但我没有发布到我的部落格上。
写完以后，我的心里就在想：林美薇，你真的有办法撑过去吗？心里有着无数的疑惑，也因此自己的没自信，所以没把这帖子发布。
有时候，好听的话比较容易安慰和鼓励别人；但同样的话语，却很难让自己振作或者有自信起来。

不过，从那天开始算起，已经过了接近两个星期。
我也撑过去了！

学院的活动——鬼屋顺利完成，第一次参加的室内设计学生的比赛也顺利结束，现在最烦的依然还是那从来没有减少的Assignments！不过没关系，再撑下去！到了年尾，即使只有一星期的假期，也要好好的奖励自己！吃的、喝的、玩的，总之统统都等到年尾一次过做完。

关于比赛的帖子下次再发布。