Waiting a Heavy Rain. I Need a Rainbow in My World.

I do know what's my problems: Lack of confident and mind is full of negative thoughts.

I tried to change when I was form 5 and also after I graduated from my high school. Although I don't have confident at that time, but at least I still have optimistic thoughts. I will tried control myself not to think about bad things, and I did it. That moment, I thought I could continue like that...... But, no.

This few days, I keep on recalling.. I don't know how the old me maintained a optimistic attitude and thoughts. I remember I like to and always free to watch movie on that time because I haven't start my college yet. That time I believed that movies can let me learn a lot of things. I don't care about the movie's rating or reviews, I just watch every movies that show on TV. 

Yup. I learned things. Even is a horror movie, or a movie that have full of bad reviews, I still can find the values of the movie. And all the things I learned from movies is good, is positive. Therefore, I began to love to watching movie and sometime I will put in myself into the movie character, imagining I'm living in the movie world. After that I will tried to think and feel, not as I, but as a movie role. So if I watching a very touching movie, I definitely will cry like hell.

But now, no matter what movie I watch, the things I learned is all negative...... Well, I'm not saying that I learned something illegal from the movies. What I was trying to say is, now I only see the bad sides in every single movie. Especially the movies like Divergent, the Giver and others.

I hate myself. Especially this ME.

I know it doesn't fix the problem even if I continue hating myself. I always say to myself: As an Interior Designer, we solve problems. But if I can't even solve my own problem, how could I solve the other peoples' problem?

I started to doubt about my ability......

I went to Tioman Island during my semester break. I sat on the beach, looked at the sea, listened to the wind, and started to think about my future, and also who I really am. I can't get any answer. -BLANK- Just like the sky full of haze, we can't see clearly and feel lost.

I'm waiting, waiting for a heavy rain. Because I know, without the rain there would be no rainbow.

Recent Me. September 2015

Finally I'm back! Perhaps I should say I am still alive LOL _(:з」∠)_

Yeap, I finished my semester 7, and now I was "enjoying" my semester break. When I was rushing my final project, I thought I will be very exciting during my semester break, but obviously NOPE. I have no idea why, but I feel empty. 

I guess maybe is because my diploma life is going to end, so I felt afraid. Yea, afraid, scare, fear,...lost. Before semester break, I'm sure I will continue my studies, but uncertainty is in Malaysia or Taiwan. Because I told my parents before, I have considered to go to Taiwan to continue my studies, but now...... Hrmmm.. 

I like Taiwan. Even though I never been there before, but I just don't know why I like there. But I afraid I will make the wrong decision...... As a dialogue in the movie "The Giver": "When people have the freedom to choose, they choose wrong.  Every. Single. Time." After I watched this movie, I really hope the Chief Elder will help me to make a choice. (If you have watch this movie, then you will know what I'm trying to say. *Sigh*).

I feel depressed in last whole week. Actually I had a plan for my semester break. First, exercise everyday. Second, clean my room. Third, hang out and buy some new clothes. Fourth, travel with friends to one of the island in Malaysia! Fifth, read the novels that I bought. Last, start to think about my future. 

Okay...... My DEPRESSION is ruining my plan...... (Well, at least I have done the third. The first and fifth still in progress. hahahaha) (づ￣▽￣)づ

Sometimes we could not cheat on ourselves, that's true. I keep on thinking the same thing, but I still can't get an answer that make me feel satisfy. 

"Who am I?" "My name is Lim Mei Vyei, I'm 20 years old, I live in Kuala Lumpur...... "

Well, that's an identity, that's not the answer I want.

This is the another reason why I feel lost and empty this few days.

I am very happy, but why I do not smile?

I do have friends, but why do I feel bored?

I have planned everything, but why do I feel so helpless?

I feel I have lost the connection with this world. ( But I declare, I'm not going to kill myself okay ¬_¬ lol )

Last week I went out alone. Every time I want to go shopping, I will choose to go alone. This habit makes me feel happy, freedom and comfortable. On that day, I sat on the bench, and looking at the crowd...... I don't know any one of them, and no one knows me. The gang of friends, Couples, Families,...... They just passed in front of me, I feel like I was transparent.  

Last time I don't understand why some people don't like to be alone... and now I got it. It makes peoples feel lonely.

Hrmmm.... Even so, sometime I still prefer to being alone, but not always. ヾ(･ω･*)ﾉ

Do not rely completely on any other human being, however dear. We meet all life’s greatest tests alone.” -Agnes Macphail.