Waiting a Heavy Rain. I Need a Rainbow in My World.

I do know what's my problems: Lack of confident and mind is full of negative thoughts.

I tried to change when I was form 5 and also after I graduated from my high school. Although I don't have confident at that time, but at least I still have optimistic thoughts. I will tried control myself not to think about bad things, and I did it. That moment, I thought I could continue like that...... But, no.

This few days, I keep on recalling.. I don't know how the old me maintained a optimistic attitude and thoughts. I remember I like to and always free to watch movie on that time because I haven't start my college yet. That time I believed that movies can let me learn a lot of things. I don't care about the movie's rating or reviews, I just watch every movies that show on TV. 

Yup. I learned things. Even is a horror movie, or a movie that have full of bad reviews, I still can find the values of the movie. And all the things I learned from movies is good, is positive. Therefore, I began to love to watching movie and sometime I will put in myself into the movie character, imagining I'm living in the movie world. After that I will tried to think and feel, not as I, but as a movie role. So if I watching a very touching movie, I definitely will cry like hell.

But now, no matter what movie I watch, the things I learned is all negative...... Well, I'm not saying that I learned something illegal from the movies. What I was trying to say is, now I only see the bad sides in every single movie. Especially the movies like Divergent, the Giver and others.

I hate myself. Especially this ME.

I know it doesn't fix the problem even if I continue hating myself. I always say to myself: As an Interior Designer, we solve problems. But if I can't even solve my own problem, how could I solve the other peoples' problem?

I started to doubt about my ability......

I went to Tioman Island during my semester break. I sat on the beach, looked at the sea, listened to the wind, and started to think about my future, and also who I really am. I can't get any answer. -BLANK- Just like the sky full of haze, we can't see clearly and feel lost.

I'm waiting, waiting for a heavy rain. Because I know, without the rain there would be no rainbow.